joyous occasions are always accompanied by sadness and questions.

why isn’t he here? will i ever be okay with him not being here? will this hole in my heart close up? will this numbing feeling go away? 

i spent probably the last thirty minutes in the shower crying, aching and yearning for him. 

this pain is intense. 

but i’m trying to remain okay. 

i fought too hard to get to this place. 

i can’t give it up so easily. 

bye, satan. 

truth is, i don’t really hate him. i never did. i’m just too angry and hurt and baffled and broken. i miss him too much. i love him. my hate and dislike are false. 

he’s supposed to be here. like, why isn’t he here?! my mind and heart won’t ever justify his death. ever.  

it hasn’t before. and every time i break down and lose its more intense and disturbing than before. 

this is a awful feeling. 

Jesus, take the wheel. i deserve to be happy. i deserve to be okay. 

there’s no going back. 

i would have never have guessed we’d come to this.

is something this broken ever going fix?